Northwood's Randomosity

OK, so where do I start?

I managed to return to work last week, starting a phased return of 3 hours a day, and catching up with everything, e-mails, people, procedures, changes.  But after 5 days I am signed off sick once again.  Last Thursday, I had big “click” in my left shoulder, and for the first time in 5 weeks, it felt normal, no pain or stiffness.  A false dawn however, as 30 minutes later my right shoulder began to suffer the same symptoms I had in my left.

Over the weekend, it was ok, even managing a light hit at tennis for 20 minutes in the heat, Monday and Tuesday were ok, but today, I started suffering pain down my right arm and in my neck and upper spine.  I literally broke down at work to my manager, saw my GP and was signed off again.  “Neck pain and depression” says the note; I see a counsellor in 12 days time.

“I’ve got no fight left” was the key line to my manager, as hard as I have tried to get to back to work and to get back to playing tennis, and to get back to normal me, because in truth I feel I have little else beyond those two things.  This isn’t my first bout of depression, I struggled with severe anxiety and/or depression during my A-Levels and my degree studies, the main reasons being -

1. I feel an outsider.  On the fringe of many groups, but feeling like I have little in common with them all.  I don’t go out very often with friends, nor do I feel socially confident amongst people in a free environment to do so.
2. I have little identity beyond work and tennis, the only two things that have been continuous in my life.  Without either, I don’t feel I have a place.
3. Confusion.  At school I was bullied and this has affected my perceptions.  I got stick for success.  I got stick for failure.  I got stick for my appearance.  I got stick for my interests.  There was no middle ground, therefore the long term is a maelstrom I struggle with to this day.  In short, I don’t know what is good in my eyes or others.

Right now, I feel I have lost 90% of my being.  I don’t have the fight, not the fire my supposed Leo character should have.  The physical pain is at its worse at the beginning of the day.  By the end, the mental and emotional pain catches up.  How much they are all linked remains to be seen, but they do say “healthy body, healthy mind”…trouble is, I have neither right now.

OK, something topical.

I saw the GP today, and I was given the new “fit note”, basically a reformation of then old “sick note” everybody used to get when unfit for work.  The basic premise is, if you are fit for amended work, then this can be recommended to the employer.  If they can accomodate the limitations of your condition and the recommendation of the GP, then you can work in another role while you recover.  If not, either the work is not available or the changes cannot be made, then it is to be treated as a sick note.

I’m currently in the amended work capacity, as I can work with limited VDU time (like this will take me about 10 minutes, but then I’ll stay off my computer the rest of the night, after only about 40 minutes on it all day actually doing anything), but as there is no alternative work available (all the records my department deal with are electronic), I’m off until either the note runs out or alternative work does become available.

I’m not happy I’m off again.  My shoulder did deteriorate over the last few days, so a different painkiller prescribed, another massage tomorrow, and looking into anything complimentary is my next mission (hot water bottle, TeNs machine, exercise), to keep me occupied and not feel down.

I’m also watching a lot of the tennis from Eastbourne, and I’m very impressed by James Ward, quarter-finalist after a very good performance against Rainer Schuettler, and Elena Baltacha, who has just (last few minutes) beaten Zheng Jie to reach the quarters also.  Lisa Whybourne in Wimbledon qualifiers is into the final round of quallies, which is impressive given she had no ranking 9 months ago.  Tough ask, 22nd seed in qualifying next (Hlavackova from memory perhaps?), but nothing more to lose now, she’ll be top 350 in the rankings regardless after her efforts at Roehampton.

All in all, a bad day, but with positives on the horizon.

Northwood

Hello, after following someboy else’s first tentative steps on this (neily82), I thought I would have a go, to kill time, be a bit cathartic, and basically keep my typing skills on some sort of decent level while I’m on sick leave from work due to a very painful trapezius injury…more on that later.

This will probably take me about an hour to type with a few breaks to ensure I don’t suffer a lot of pain.

Anyway, I am Peter Northwood, astrologically Leo on the cusp of Cancer, geographically based in Thornton-Cleveleys in Lancashire, employed in the old fishing town of Fleetwood (when fit enough), and play quite a lot of tennis (when fit enough again) in fashionable Poulton-Le-Fylde.

I have a degree in Business Studies from Lancaster University, graduating in 2007, a year later than planned, but that is a long story.

I used to do Ballroom and Latin American dancing, and have the nickname “Snake Hips” or “Robo Hips”.

I’ve played tennis since I was 4, right handed, two handed backhand, with a Prince O Zone Tour.

I play on my Playstation 3 when I can find a decent amount of time, maining on Super Street Fighter 4 as the pixellated legend that is Chun Li, but I do like my RPGs, my personal favourites being Star Ocean - Till The End of Time, Star Ocean - The Last Hope, Valkyrie Profile 2 - Silmeria, and Final Fantasy VII and VIII.

So that sums most of me up, but I’m sure I’ll give more away as I work on this.

So, why am I off work?  Well, after work on 21st May this year, I went shopping, walking to a Morrisons store, and carrying back, about 15 minutes walk there, 25-30 back when carrying.  All was fine, until the next morning, when I woke up with a trapezius spasm in my left shoulder.  I’ve tried work three times since, and either broke down in pain or extra pain, such as the lower part of the trapezius in my back.  So far, I’ve been medicated, poked, prodded, massaged, rested, moved, avoiding lifting, and just when I thought I was getting better, this morning, woke up, and it was excruciating pain again.  So, if I’m going to be off again, I need something to occupy my mind and stop me getting very down, so I’ll give this a try.

I’m actually gutted I probably won’t be back at work this week, I miss my colleagues…no, I miss my friends…they have helped me greatly in the last few years to gain confidence (to the point of coming out as gay on Maundy Thursday), and I’ve lost it somewhat whilst being off and feeling pretty useless.  They might not need me, but I definitely need them, so I hope I’m back with them soon, and on the plus side, they are telling me not to be worry about being off, so I just need to get that into my head and to stop worrying.

OK, my shoulder is starting to ache again, so that’s enough for now.  I look forward to carrying this on later, and thanks for reading.

Northwood.